Tag You’re It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU1VfYYKMDk Well life is officially surreal right now.

Let me explain everything.  Over the past few months I have gotten a well paying job, have moved to another City (only 40mins away from my Uni home and boyfriend) and have managed to bag myself a penthouse flat to live in as well.  Amazing right? I still can’t believe this is my life.  Anyhow that is the good surreal stuff that is occurring in my life at the moment.  The bad surreal stuff will probably take a small amount more to explain.

As you all are aware I have a boyfriend named Daniel, he is brilliant smart and a wonderful person (more so now after Croatia).  A year and a half ago he got busted with intent to see class B and C drugs on the street, he got a probation sentence and was turfed out.  6 days later he got caught again with intent to sell class C drugs on the street and 6 months down the line got an apprenticeship (he left school at 17, made websites on his own and become very rich, hence I’m guessing what got him into the drug business to begin with),  he then met me a month after getting the apprenticeship and now has a job lined up. Seems rehabilitated.  However yesterday was his court appearance (the last in a long line of many) and it was horrible.  His family and I went with him as did his ex girlfriend Louise, the one I was worried about before.  Turns out me and Louise are quite similar, and my views towards her have changed drastically, she said some mean things about me which I dont condone but I now understand she said those things because she genuinely cares for Daniel, not because she was jealous and wanted him back.  So that was also pretty eventful making friends with her, especially as we went for beers after the ordeal was over.  We went into the court room Louise and I sitting at the back with Daniel’s parents and him standing in this box thing in the corner of the room with a police man, and another man who got arrested at the same time as Daniel because they were thought to be linked cases (they weren’t, the other guy was selling acid tabs and pills, which is much worse than Daniel’s offence).  The court heard the offences, heard the solicitors defending the two men and then heard the judge speak.  The judge listed the options, saying that Daniel could spend a year in jail for what he had done, as breaking probation shows a lack of rehabilitation.  The judge then read a text out Daniel had sent to his friend straight after his first trial where he obtained said probation, it was horrible, it was joking about how he had gotten away with it and then went on to say how he would sell more green to someone else.  At that point I started to shake and cry because I thought I was about to lose him.  Hearing that text honestly made me believe there was no hope because it showed no remorse in what he had done.  Bear in mind all this happened a year and a half ago, so this trial has been hashed out for ages, in that time he has become more responsible and has completely changed not only the way he looks but the way he looks at life (I’m sure that sounds far fetched but its true).  The judge then announced his verdict and said that both men would not be going to jail, but that Daniel would be on probation again, and this time would be tagged with a bracelet around his ankle so that a curfew would be forced upon him and they could trace it if he breaks it.  This means he has officially been grounded by the government for 3 months and cant leave the house from 9pm-6am.  If he does he will go straight to jail.  When we heard this Louise and I were so relieved, and both commented how we would both love to hold him down and crack bottles over his head for being so stupid as to come that close to going to jail.  No doubt about it, if he ever ends up in that courtroom again he will be going to prison.  So now my plans for Daniel to come stay with me in Manchester during the week and see his friends on the weekend are really scuppered, he cant be away from his house for longer than 15hours a day and it takes forever to get there from here, and my new job hours are not forgiving at all.  There is also the worry that he may start up the dealing again, he has an addictive personality and power and money are the two things he is really addicted to.  Its all very surreal as I have said above because let’s face it, who honestly lives this type of life outside of Eastenders?? Well apparently I do.

So to reiterate the severity of the surrealism; Good job, Penthouse flat, Friends with Daniels Ex, Boyfriend almost in jail, Boyfriend now tagged, Possible Problems seeing him due to work and him being a delinquent.  Also the added weirdness that he and I are still as mad about each other as we were in Croatia.  I can’t decide if my life is going really well or really not??? After all Daniel could be in jail (it looked really like it was going to happen at one point) but on the other hand he could have just been a regular boy with misdemeanour’s.  Drama drama.    Oh yeah and I also got the implant, so my arm is KILLING ME.

– T.J

Changing My Outlook

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szk2xYIVKrQ Well it’s been a while since I’ve written on here again.  There really is no point in writing every day though as normal life is boring and not really worth catching up on.

Since my last post my anxiety about Daniel’s ex has waned, as I had a bit of a freak out about it and spilled my emotional beans all over him.  He handled it really well and actually told me he wouldn’t bother having a friendship with her if I felt so anxious about it all.  Don’t get me wrong I am not the type of girl that wants to control his friendship group, and told him thus, but to have him offer was lovely.  However since then we have had a rough patch, we decide to start dating 4th August and since then he has been distant and I have been anxious and losing interest in him because of it.  This only went on for 2 or 3 weeks and then I jetted off to Venice for two alcohol and food filled days, that were lovely but overpriced.  On the 3rd day I travelled to Croatia for outlook festival (YOLO) and Daniel also had tickets for this (I assumed it was him stalking me as he only bought tickets after he knew I was attending).  I was worried that going on holiday with him there would ruin everything as it would simply be transferring all our relationship stress abroad to fight in a hotter, sunnier setting.  As it happened it wasn’t Daniel that stressed me out but the girls I went on holiday with.  They bitched and moaned about all sorts of ridiculous stuff that didn’t matter and so I found an escape in Daniel.  He was loving and affectionate and really touchy feely, which is unlike him at all, usually it’s me that wants to hug and kiss and act like all lovey dovey, when this time it was him that wouldn’t stop touching me and wanting to kiss me and be romantic.  I’m thinking it has something to do with me actually having my own life.  Before the holiday I had finished Uni was searching for a job, and then once that had happened was searching for a place to live.   This was stressful but also didn’t take up much time considering it was a lot of waiting around with a few phone calls littering the place, so I spent most of my time bored shitless and taking that out on Daniel when I saw him, which I think pissed him off and made him less likely to want to be around me (go figure).  Then on holiday I had my friends out there, I had things I wanted to do with or without him in tow, so if I felt like hitting the beach and he didn’t I left him to his own devices and didnt care much that he wasnt around (not saying I don’t love hanging with him, just simply that I like the company of others too).  I firmly believe that is what made him more inclined to want to be with me, which has actually given me more mental peace, because it has reaffirmed my faith in our relationship.  Another thing that happened is he had 2 paranoid freak outs while we were there.  We both like the odd stimulant (shall we call it), and he ended up not sleeping for 3 days as he was too busy partying and having fun, on day 3 he had a mini anxiety attack, I couldn’t even tell you what it was about, all he said was that he didn’t understand anything and that he was confused about everything that was going on.  When I asked him what he was confused about, he said he didn’t know.  It was as if he had been wiped clean of logic, he couldn’t seem to wrap his head around why we were where we were.  As you can tell it’s a tough one to explain while sober, so him trying to explain it to me while we are both smashed is difficult to say the least.  So we stayed up till 9am in the morning talking, me trying to make him feel ok, and him telling me all this vulnerable stuff that he usually doesn’t tell anyone.   Then the night after (where I crashed and burned at 12am due to 2 days no sleep beforehand) at 4am he came and found me in my tent and woke me up having another anxiety moment (once again due to lack of sleep) saying he thought he had just been caught with drugs on him.  This turned out to be him just being paranoid that it might happen and then assuming that everyone knew he was high, so he stumbled around until he found my tent so he could talk to me, because he believed everyone was against him except for me.  Now I’d just like to clarify, this type of stuff doesn’t happen often, it used to with Daniel,  because back in the day he had a real problem with Valium and ended up addicted to it.  So he used to take a lot of drugs get really paranoid and just rinse and repeat the experience every weekend.  He then got a job and cleaned his act up, still parties but is more controlled about it and stays away from Valium.  So when this happened 2 nights in a row I got a bit twitched and told him I was worried he was losing control.  However in the midst of all this I still took the time to realize that he said out of everyone he trusted me to be vulnerable with.  That is epic progress as he is NEVER vulnerable, he just gets mad instead of upset about things because he thinks he should be self sufficient in the emotion department.  So although I worried he was back sliding to the days when he blotted emotions out with drugs, I also realized that it isn’t quite the same.  Yes he abused substances and I need to watch that so it doesn’t get worse (he has an addictive personality after all), but instead of blocking emotions and holding them back, he came to me and actually told me everything, he was vulnerable with me, and I don’t think he has really done that with anyone except the TTP (drug counselling) people.  I worry that you have all got the wrong impression of Daniel, that me telling you he is over his addiction etc sounds like an excuse and that he is just a junkie with nothing going for him, but he is a smart capable boy, he has designed websites and is putting on a club night next week, so is a hard working talented boy.  He used to be a major fuck up, but he has come a long way, though I do reckon he has a way to go, I will be there to make sure he stays on the straight and narrow, and because he is opening up I feel we will make faster progress.  I live in hope.

– T.J

Is That A…? Oh My Gosh, I Do Believe It’s Another Boy Related Post. Hooray We Were Running Low!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FNEiTjcMM0

My life has been a bit like a soap opera this past little while and I’m getting a little bit sick of it.  Let me regale you with my story, if you can be bothered to read it.  Like all good stories it focuses on the opposite gender;

A while back i started blogging because of a boy.  I know that is really horribly cliched but there you have it, the first post probably makes a bit more sense when i said I deleted all my oestrogen ridden ramblings. The story goes that this was one of the few boys I had really really liked in a long time, I always thought about him and wanted to be with him and only him (and that doesnt happen a lot for me).  Then one day after 6months of being his non-girlfriend he ignores me for ages then dumps me by text.  I later find out he has been cheating on me, and low and behold the girl got pregnant and is now around 17 weeks gone. This all happened in januarry/february and I’m actually over it.  I was single for a while, and I didn’t want anything to do with any boy because my previous non relationship with Matt-The-Twat just brought up my anxiety levels to an all time high, and made me stressed to fuck.

Then I met Daniel.

To begin with I actually didnt give much of a flying frig about this boy.  Sounds horrible I know.  He was in fact the one who chased me down, got my number, texted and facebooked me every day for ages and asked to see me every weekend for about a month.  The 3rd weekend in we got smashed at a house party and the fragments of memory from that night are basically us being attached to each others faces violently as hell in a hallway, and leaping apart when someone came along.  It all seems cartoonish looking back on it.  Slap stick humour to the max.  So I’ve been seeing him for a while, and the only reason we arent official is because he might go to jail (Yes I’m aware how horrible that sounds, and I’m sure I sound desperate when I say ‘oh but he’s a nice guy he just made some bad choices’ when actually he is a good guy, just got caught with a shit load of weed, even though he doesn’t smoke the stuff.  Bravo wonder boy).  Also I’ve left our dear city and long distance relationships aren’t exactly a go area for us really either.  But thats not why I’m blogging about him.  Aside from this being epic material for a ridiculously over dramatised novel, I have a problem that is starting to cause my anxiety to rear its ugly head again.

Her name is Louise.

She is Daniel’s ex, and has so far tried to make my life a living hell by bitching about me saying I’m no good enough, and that he needs to dump me.  Needless to say he has defended me, but he wont leave her alone regardless of all the shit she is spouting.  Problematic, yes indeedy.  But in actual fact its not just Lou, its all the girls.  Now that I’ve finally started to really love what he and I have, I am terrified that some girl is going to come along and take it from me.  WHY? Daniel has given no indication that he is about to ditch me, in fact quite the opposite.  Yet here I am panicking that someone is going to happen to come into his life, and I’m going to lose him. Im sure there is some theory to do with my real dad abandoning me and my family at an early age, and my parents abandoning me in boarding school from 8yrs old onwards, but i cant be arsed to go into that crap.

The point is I’m anxious as shit about this, and the subtext of this post implys i’m a drippy princess who can’t live without men, which i fucking HATE.  That is not who I am, or who I want to be.   I shouldn’t be anxious, he’s just one person why am I so worried?? I’ve lost guys before, and will probably lose many more, why does it matter so much? I blame Disney.  Beautiful wonderful Disney telling me I need a prince to be fulfilled.  I need to refocus, spend some time away from the boy.  Not to make him think I don’t like him, but so I can snap him back into perspective again, and stop me from going into crazy mode.  It’s gonna be shit because I have no idea how to talk myself off the proverbial ledge on this jealousy issue….well technically its not jealousy, its fear.  I need to show myself I can survive without him, and so if i lose him it wont be the end of the world, just another chapter.

Ok enough hormonal crap for one night.

– T.J

If You’re Going to be a Gobshite, be the Biggest Gobshite in the World.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Omn4S7RfmhM – If you are unsure what the link is for, it is a song that I demand you should listen to while reading this.  It describes the deep emotion that I feel for everything…not really its just a banging tune.

Now, ordinarily I don’t believe in blogging, the idea that someone is trying to force their opinions on me is just depressing.  I’m not a mindless drone that needs people telling me what to think, I have my parents and 10 years of boarding school under my belt for that, thank you very much.

However due to lack of better judgement, or serious amounts of procrastination skill, I recently started writing and came to realize that a lot of it was an absolute load of balls.  All I was doing was venting my anger about certain things and becoming another female blogger with too much menstrual angst to contain.  Personally I’m all for people blogging about their opinions and trying to get other people on their crazy crazy side (I’m an even bigger fan of getting rich out of forcing my opinions onto strangers through the media of the internet) however I refuse to debase myself into being the girl who gets annoyed about stupid things and then has to publicly announce my general upset so I can feel loved and much happier in myself.

So I deleted all the crappy female hormone driven work, and instead have started up this delightful little piece of creative writing.  Ok so that’s a lie, this is probably not going to be delightful at all, I’m probably going to offend several groups of people (I probably already have), and not just with my bad writing style and atrocious spelling, but because as a 21 year old girl I have nothing better to do when I’m sober than to sit at my computer and criticise the crap out of everything.   That doesn’t mean I don’t like some things;

I love:  1) Eating

           2) http://www.27bslash6.com/

           3) Chocolate (ties with eating)

           4) Memebase

           5) The Occasional Spliff*

           6) Tesco (ties with chocolate)

           7) Masturbation (its healthy…)

           8) Winning

           9) Swearing

          10) And Much Much More….

So although I love a lot of stuff, there are things in this world that to my mind are horribly horribly wrong and I feel the need t

o warn the world away from them.  Like those oversized hipster glasses that are being worn around town, you look like you are about

 to go to to watch Avatar in 3D, you have 20/20 vision and don’t need them, take them off now. Prick

So this is what this blog is for; me to say what I want (good and bad), swear a bit too much, probably get reported to the almighty powers that run wordpress, get blocked, have to rename myself and recreate this whole thing again (never fear I’ll make back up copies of my work, so you can never get rid of me).

Caio for now kids, and please take everything I say with a massive spoonful of salt.

– T.J

* Replace ‘Occasional’ with ‘Biggest amount of’ and ‘Spliff’ with ‘Anything I can get my dirty mitts on’